Husband: An Official Review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
5.0 — Highly Recommend
I’ve had this husband for a little while now, so I feel I’ve had sufficient time to provide an accurate and unbiased review.
First things first:
Excellent product.
Quite possibly one of the best things I’ve ever came across on the internet.
Which is saying something, considering I originally found him online and wasn’t entirely convinced he was real person.
Turns out…
Real, as f**k.
Appearance: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Extremely attractive.
Beautiful blue eyes.
In great shape. Very lean and fit.
Usually smells good.
Has a personal style that is mostly casual, and honestly– I really it like it that way. But when he puts on a suit…. OMG! I get butterflies!
There was an early skinny-jean situation.
I considered deducting half a star.
Ultimately decided against it.
Nobody’s perfect.
And honestly, the jeans grew on me. I really like them now, and frankly he is hot AF and I don’t blame him for wearing them.
Communication: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Exceptional.
Will actually discuss feelings.
I repeat:
Will. Discuss. Feelings.
Does not spontaneously combust when presented with an emotionally complex conversation.
Listens.
Thinks.
Responds.
Has a psychology background, which initially seemed like a bonus feature but has occasionally resulted in me realizing I’m married to someone who is an ultimate deep thinker and won’t let me talk too much shit before he can see through it.
Use caution.
Emotional Support: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Top tier.
I’d give ten stars for this area if I could.
This model comes equipped with emotions.
LOTS OF THEM.
He cries often, and he is very expressive.
At first I thought there might be a leak.
Nope.
Just feelings.
I love this feature.
Affection: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Physical touch is definitely a love language.
Excellent hug quality.
Very generous with kisses.
Hand-holding functionality works flawlessly.
Frequently looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, even when there is substantial evidence to the contrary.
Has also been known to randomly stop, look directly into my eyes, and tell me how much he loves me.
Manufacturer apparently installed absolutely no emotional restraint.
Romance: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Ridiculous.
Flowers for no reason.
Sweet messages.
Thoughtful surprises and too many gifts to count.
Airport arrivals that somehow feel like scenes from movies. (Yeah, my friends are jealous.)
Once moved seven hours away from his entire life just so we wouldn’t have to keep saying goodbye.
Frankly, this feature seems excessive.
I’m keeping it.
Mechanical Ability: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
More than 25 years in aviation maintenance.
This man knows his stuff!
Can fix things.
ANYTHING really.
Understands machines.
Knows what tools are actually called.
Very useful because I personally prefer pointing at an object and saying,
“The thing-ama-jiggie is doing the thingy again.”
Usually understands.
Adventure Compatibility: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Will get in the car and GO.
Coffee shop?
Sure.
Day trip to see my family?
Yep.
Random town?
Why not.
Weekend trip?
Already packing.
Has proven repeatedly that the destination doesn’t need to be extraordinary for us to have an extraordinary time.
Excellent travel companion who knows where every Whole Foods is from Atlanta to the east end of North Carolina.
Safety: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
And I don’t mean locks-the-doors safety.
I mean the other kind.
The rare kind.
The kind where I can be excited.
Anxious.
Moody.
Ridiculous.
Sad.
Overwhelmed.
Completely vulnerable.
Or in full-on gremlin mode…
and somehow never feel like I have to perform a better version of myself to be loved.
That feature alone is worth the five stars.
Relocation Services: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Outstanding.
Originally shipped from North Carolina.
There were significant transportation delays due to a seven-hour distance between customer and product.
Eventually resolved when husband (at the time boyfriend) packed his belongings, crossed state lines, and permanently relocated to Georgia.
Installation successful.
Has remained on premises ever since.
Parenting/Family Integration: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Walked into a life that was already fully formed.
A woman.
Kids.
History.
Responsibilities.
Challenges.
Didn’t demand that everything rearrange itself around him.
He simply found his place within it.
Not always the easiest feature to review because blended lives aren’t simple.
But he keeps showing up.
And that matters to me more than I can explain in an online review.
Reliability: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Shows up.
That’s probably the simplest way to say it.
Shows up when things are fun.
Shows up when they’re hard.
Shows up when I’m stressed.
Shows up when life gets complicated.
Shows up when there’s absolutely nothing exciting happening at all.
Turns out reliability is incredibly sexy at this age.
Known Issues:
Occasional questionable fashion decisions.
May become sentimental without warning.
Can cause wife to cry simply by looking at her a certain way.
Has somehow made said wife significantly softer than she intended to become.
No fix currently available.
Value: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Here’s where I have a complaint.
I found this husband later than I would have preferred.
Would have appreciated earlier availability.
Apparently the Universe had supply-chain issues for several decades.
However…
once delivered, he exceeded expectations.
Overall Review: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I came into this purchase with previous experience.
Let’s just say…
results varied.
So I wasn’t exactly an easy customer.
I had expectations.
History.
A whole life already behind me.
And then this man showed up.
Soft-spoken.
Kind.
Funny.
Smart.
Emotional.
Full of stars.
Handsome.
A little weird.
And completely willing to love all the weird in me.
I had a good life. And he made the life I already had so much f**king better.
As in I did not know it could be THIS good.
Would I recommend this husband?
Of course I would, BUT…
He’s mine.
There is only one.
Find your own.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Would purchase again.
Would marry again.
Would choose again.
Every single time.
